Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
