It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hippo gnu deer
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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