I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
