you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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