after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
