im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
