Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
