i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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