If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
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We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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