My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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