Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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