Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
