Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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