Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
