matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
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He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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