I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
