Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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