If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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