So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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