Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
