3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
