Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
