Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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