there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
