Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
