i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
