Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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