Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
