Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
