why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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