Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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