I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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