Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
