sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
