i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
