Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
