Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
