Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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