Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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