Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
