Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
