as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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