somebody snuck up and got me drunk
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
