Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
