My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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