every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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