My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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