he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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