You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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