Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
