How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
