I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
