this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
