I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
