she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
