I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
