just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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