i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
