If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
