If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
