I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
