I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
